we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
