you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
