I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
