we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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