I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Less talking, more tequila
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
