I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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