he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
