You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
