happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
