sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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