There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
