my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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