Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
