i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
