I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
