I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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