But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
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