never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
