dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
