bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
