Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
