I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
