Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Randomize
