I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
