You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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