I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
operation harelip BJ is a go
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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