Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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