i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
