i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
