I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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