Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
