I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
either way he was missing a nipple.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
