Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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