I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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