I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
