you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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