don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
