my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
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At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
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And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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