The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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