I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
