Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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