there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
