I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Found your dick twin last night
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
