Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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