life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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