How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
