apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
