I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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