So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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