I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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