so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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