I faked an abortion last night.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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