there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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