I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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