dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
