I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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