I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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