i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
19 People Confess The Worst Things They Have Been Accused Of
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going